The Scandal Part Deux

I want to backtrack for a moment to September 19th. That morning, several of the Senior Swamis sat in a session with us and announced that another charge had been levied against Swamiji in the Deccan Herald... that a woman from Tamil Nadu had stepped forward alleging misconduct or abuse from Swamiji. Naturally, there was outrage and disappointment in the room, as we were on the cusp of having the previous charges against Swamiji dropped in Indian court of law. We all rallied together and wrote letters asking the Indian government authorities to help ensure that justice was rightfully and lawfully served. Then we pricked our thumbs and stamped the letters with our blood. Such a small thing, yet it felt like the right way to make ourselves heard.

Later that night, Swamiji announced that the news report was actually a hoax -- the woman had never made the claim. He also said that whoever had signed the letter with their blood (though He never asked us to do it) -- He was responsible for the health of our bodies -- as the same blood that flows in His system also flows in ours. A few tears were shed as He delivered this powerful statement.

Fast forward a few days to yesterday, September 24th. I was asked to give a testimonial about the scandal. How did it affect me? What were my reactions -- as well as those around me within the organization and outside of it (family, friends, etc.)? I was in a low mood yesterday for various reasons: worrying about work, feeling restless and alone, any negativity my mind could grasp onto.

As I started talking about the incident, I relived the moment I first heard the news and saw the video. Something in me just snapped. Like a snake standing straight up. Such strong conviction coursed through me -- and in that instant, my connection to Swamiji was reinforced. I always knew I had a connection with Swamiji, but then my ego and mind would question my level of devotion. How come I wasn't able to just surrender and throw myself into mission work? How come I wasn't able to outwardly express my love and devotion the way others did? It became a major source of conflict for me, and I struggled to understand my own sincerity. Today, many of these people I compared myself to are no longer with the mission... there was no basis for my suffering. I realize that it's not how loudly or how often you say it. It's how you feel inside.

As I was giving my testimonial, my Ananda Gandha started to buzz and energy flowed through my body. Yes, it's a reminder of why I'm here. This journey may be intense and tough at times, but it's really happening. There's no turning back now.